November 17, 2019
It’s around 10am and the sun was gleaming so nicely outside of our bedroom window. I got up out of the bed, checked for any blood once I sat down on the toilet because I felt mild cramping that I usually get right before my period starts. I’ve been looking for any drop of blood for a few days now. I calculate my cycle monthly on one of those fancy apps to keep check on my visitor and my app slapped me across the face with a “5 days late” notice. I was honestly going to be excited if I was… you know but there I was, on my toilet, still looking for my period anyways. I decided right then and there with my hair not combed, teeth not brushed and stomach yelling for some French toast with a fruit bowl on the side, that I wanted to take a pregnancy test. I ripped that bad boy open so quickly and had a pep talk with my urine to not come out just yet. As soon as the test was fully open… I began to pee on the strip. I made sure I had a stack of tests under our bathroom cabinet for those “just in case” days like these. We totally knew that being “careful” went right out of the window once we got married and discussed how we were okay with whatever happens. I left the stick on my countertop and walked away.
My anxious personally got the best of me because I kept peaking in the bathroom. My mind was at war with itself to be patient and not freak out. The time was up. I picked up the stick like it weighed 25 pounds. Slowly bringing it to my face, there it was. Two beautiful pink lines, one dark and the other a bit faded aka pregnant. I just remember pacing back and forth, cupping my mouth and holding back tears. Vid (my husband) walked into the bathroom and I couldn’t contain myself. I was so happy and still shocked. So shocked that I guzzled down a bottle of raspberry lemonade juice to end right back on the toilet. I opened some more sticks and let it rip in a cup. This time, one of the sticks were going to actually announce the words pregnant or not pregnant. I placed a few sticks in the cup and waited but at this point I had a few teardrops fall from my face from pure joy. I raced to the cup minutes after and I laid my eyes on plus signs, two noticeable line and a bold Pregnant!
Vid was calm and happy and there I was running back and forth like my hair was on fire…he’s such a dude. I ran screaming to him saying “oh my gosh, is this really happening!” It hit me so hard that I had a little angel in my tummy. I was so anxious that I took another test on 11/21 and 11/29 just to super check that I was still pregnant. I called my OB and our first ultrasound was scheduled for 12/9/19.
December 9, 2019
I requested off for my first few clients of the day at work to attend our baby’s first ultrasound. We walked inside the suite, filled out loads of paperwork and sat in the icicle box of a waiting room. Minutes passed and kept passing by my scheduled time. Finally, my name was called through the door and there I greeted the ultrasound technician. We entered the dark room with a computer monitor that would show us the progress of our baby. I laid down on the reclining chair. The tech squeezed a bottle of warm goodness on my lower stomach. Searching for the sac…there it was. He insisted that we get a better look through the transvaginal scan, so I rushed to the bathroom, emptied my tank and darted for the dark intimate room. The scan begun and there was my gestational and yolk sac. I measured to be only 5 weeks and 4 days. We couldn’t see baby yet… it was simply just to early. The tech told me to come back in a few more weeks to get a better look at my growing embryo and the heartbeat. I remember him saying “IF we see the baby”. The word if replayed in my mind like a skipped record but even with his pessimistic tone of voice, I was still hopeful.
My next appointment was scheduled for Christmas Eve. I felt like that date would be of some kind of luck to us. We waited. In the meantime, I caught myself looking at over 100 baby gender reveal ideas via YouTube and discussed baby names with hubby. I researched nonstop about literally everything baby related. I was nauseous day and night for over a week, my boobs were pretty swollen and itchy, I started producing creature like pimples on my face and with all of that being said, I couldn’t be any happier because they were signs that my baby was growing and ready to put me to work with all of these sudden changes.
December 24, 2019
Christmas Eve has arrived! We were so excited to park in that crowded parking lot of my OB office. We found out that my uterus is titled which lead us to believe that it would a slight struggle to see the baby if he/she is having a party near my rectum or spine. We continued the ultrasound and I’m only measuring at 6 weeks a couple of days pregnant but according to my gestational age due to my last cycle, I should be measuring 8 weeks pregnant. The ultrasound tech blurts out “the pregnancy failed”. He told me our doctor would explain more. We were so quiet and in disbelief. The next step was to wait for the doctor to tell us what happened. The nurse told us that we needed to wait back in the waiting room because our doctor was in the middle of delivering a baby and that she would be here shortly.
After news like that, I had to contain my emotions in a room full of strangers. The nurse tried her best to get me into a room, she was successful after we sat out in the waiting area for about 7 minutes. Staring at the walls with babies on them during their newborn photoshoot fresh out of their mothers womb hurt my heart. The nurse rushed back into the private room and told us that they were sending us to another doctor around the corner in the same building to speed up our waiting time. Another 7 minutes pass and the nurse has us packing up our belongings just to go back to the darn office we were just at. The woman looks at us frantically and a bit embarrassed that she has us running around like crazy after being told such news from the ultrasound tech.
Sitting back in that office, I just wanted to scream. Scream to the top of my lungs. Finally, we entered into another private room. We sat waiting for my actual doctor and prayed that we wouldn’t have to leave again. I heard a knock at the door. It was our exhausted looking doctor. She seemed like she ran 10 miles to get here because as she opened her mouth her eyes were closed or rolling as if she was annoyed that she had to converse with us about our diagnosis. She called it blighted ovum. She was explaining that we did nothing wrong.
My opinions of terminating our pregnancy was being told to us. I felt like my heart sank further than the Warner brothers hole that bugs bunny liked to jumped in. It was unreal. The doctors’ words were beginning to sound like jibber jabber to me. If what she was saying wasn’t a misdiagnosis, I had decided to lose my baby the natural way, as a miscarriage at home.
January 10, 2020
Wow, I ended my last holiday of the year confused and started the new year in a state of hurt. Weeks have gone by and no natural miscarriage. I decided to go to another doctor for a second opinion and a better vibe all together. We parked, filled out a book of paperwork and we waited. We were greeted by a new ultrasound technician and we could feel the uplifting vibe she gave off instantly. We needed that. We needed her smiling face and calming tone. During the ultrasound we received the same news. Saddened by the same news but happy that it was a person that gave us hope for the next time we tried. Ladies, word of advice… always go to a doctors’ office that make you feel comfortable and eager to not give up. We took the news better this time around. We were then greeted by a midwife after our ultrasound visit. These women were a breath of fresh air. She was calm and empowering. She suggested we take the pill to pass our pregnancy. I was measuring at 6 weeks still and technically I was 11 weeks pregnant today. It was time to say goodbye. To prevent any occurrence of an infection since there were no signs of a natural miscarriage… we opted for another at home experience to say goodbye to our baby.
We picked up the pills along with some high dose pain relievers prescribed to me. We reached home and comfortably sat debating on taking the pills tonight or the following day. As we processed what had to happen…we decided that tonight was the night. Tonight at 7:30pm, I let the pills dissolve under my tongue. 30 minutes after, without exaggeration, I felt cramps and saw a speckle of blood. I instantly remembered to take my pain killers. Unfortunately, the combination of my heavy dinner, pills and pain killers was a lot for my stomach to handle. I tried to breathe through the increasingly painful cramps. Vid sat in the bathroom with me for support. I was glued to the toilet. He coached me on my breathing and rubbed my lower back when needed. Two seconds after that, I projectile vomited. Thankfully I missed Vid by an inch or two. My bathroom floor looked like a crime scene. Vomit reached areas of my bathroom that I still have no clue how it got there. I was in full blown panic mode and the pain was so severe. I hoped that the pills had went into my bloodstream and I prayed the vomiting didn’t harm the process. I had no choice but to wait until the morning to take my next dose.
January 11, 2020
I slept through the night with a heating pad attached to my body. I bled the entire day and made sure I hydrated myself as much as possible. The following day, the bleeding kept coming with massive clots. That night…was the worst of it. I literally felt like I was supposed to be in the delivery room. The contractions were so intense I felt my body overheat. I reached for my water bottle and chugged whatever I could before another sensation overcame my body. I was tightening my body so much because of the pain, I didn’t realize that I should’ve let whatever felt like had to come out...to just come out! I pushed one good push and everything came out. I saw everything. I was relieved from the pain but I couldn’t help staring into the toilet bowl. I could barely walk or talk after that release. I lost so much blood that I was rushed to the hospital. At the hospital, we took another ultrasound. It was confirmed that my womb was indeed empty. My blood levels were okay so, we were sent home that night and I felt like a piece of me could never be the same. Before I went to bed I kept telling myself that we were going to be blessed with a baby one day.
Click here for an update on how we got through the loss of our angel baby.